Getting past the voice in your head

Today was the day when I went to the closet and I put on a pair of pants that I haven’t been able to get into comfortably for six months. They not only fit but they were loose everywhere. A smile crept across my lips and tears rimmed my eyes. I was filled with pride at my success but there was still that nagging voice at the back of my head saying “You should have kept the weight off in the first place.” Oh that voice. We all listen to it because we are our own worst enemy. I let that voice defeat me many times. It was the same voice that told me “another piece of cake will be okay” “you can just sit around all day you deserve it” “you are fat and you are getting old” “no one cares what you look like anymore anyway”. That voice was my own justifying the actions I have taken the past two years. The sad thing is that I have good people in my life that told me the complete opposite of what I told myself and I couldn’t hear them over my own voice. They were the ones I should have listened to, they were the ones who were trying to walk me out of my own head. But sometimes you can’t get out of that space no matter how hard people try to help you. You tether yourself to the bad and let the good float away like a balloon. The good is still there floating but just out of your reach until you break free of yourself. Seven weeks ago I was tethered with a thick chain around the waist. I didn’t even think I could lift my arms to reach for what I wanted. The voice in my head was still loud. With every day and every reminder I make to myself that I do deserve better and I can be better that voice gets quitter and that chain lighter. Today that chain is more like an elastic band. I can touch the end of the string of the balloon, I just can’t pull it all the way towards me yet. And the voice is nearly a whisper. When the voice spoke today I felt I had to answer it. Yes I should have kept the weight off but I didn’t. All I can do now is move forward. And I am moving forward in smaller pants and a better understanding of how to manage that inner voice.