Me vs the bathing suit

It’s that time of the year again when the sun is letting us know that summer isn’t that far away. It’s time to start shaving your legs all the way up and think about bathing suit season. Well let me tell you what I think of bathing suit season! I have struggled with bathing suit love since I was a teenager. They are my least favorite articles of clothing I will ever own except the plaid gauchos I had in middle school, those were just evil. Every year whether I am heavy or thin I have the same battle with myself. I hate my body in any and all swimsuits even if I really love the bathing suit. For a long time I thought when I am older and feel more comfortable in my skin I won’t really care about putting on a bathing suit and wearing them in front of people. I mean there are people out there that have all the confidence in the world wearing suits they shouldn’t wear and yet I am the girl wearing shorts and a t-shirt over mine nine times out of ten. Here I am heavier then I have been in years facing summer. The thought of a swimsuit is pretty scary even after losing a little weight. I want to find the confidence that those other have to hold my head high and say,” here I am world in my bathing suit. I am a woman trying to find my healthier self. I may be holding a little more around the bottom and middle then I should but one day I won’t. One day I will be the woman that may turn your head, and make you say ‘boy she looks good for a woman her age, I wonder how she does it’. But for now I am me in a bathing suit trying to find my inner head turner.” I really don’t need to be a head turner. I just want to find peace with my own body while I make peace with my own mind. Every day since this journey has started I look in the mirror and I remind myself: You have had babies, you have had skin cancer, you have scars from accidents, your scars and your shape are part of the road map that you have been on so far. You can change your shape but you will never change where you have been only where you are going. I will be going to get a bathing suit for my body the way it is now. I will embrace the confidence of a man in a speedo to wear my swimsuit in public. I will not worry about what others think of me in my swimsuit because at the end of the day it is me vs my swimsuit and no one else.

Accountability - A healing plan

I met my friend Pam I hadn’t seen in a month for coffee early this morning. We made our usual pleasantries then sat down on the comfy couch at the back of the coffee shop and she turned to me and asked me what diet plan I was on to lose all the weight I have so far. I said I wasn’t on a plan really. I was just not eating my feelings anymore and started walking again. She didn’t believe me. “You must be doing something, a pill? Five workouts a day?” Obviously I wasn’t going to escape her I told her line of questioning. So I simply told her my healing plan was “Accountability”. “Healing Plan?” Yep. Accountability isn’t a new concept for people who are trying to lose weight or change their lifestyle. Most of the tried and true “diet plans” use accountability and this is why they are successful. For those of us with some degree of eating disorders accountability is even more important. It isn’t just about the food we eat or our workouts, it is about how we are feeling. “Well tracking seems like a hassle” Pam said shaking her head. It isn’t for everyone but for those of us who need a little more structure to stay on track it is the way to go. With so many great Aps out there now that can scan barcodes for food items and sync with fitness trackers it’s really not that difficult to use. And I see that ten minutes of daily tracking time as me time. Plus I was the kid in school that loved getting the gold stars on that chart on the wall, this is my big girl star chart. And then I told her that yesterday was a bad day for me, not a horrible day but a rough one in some ways. It would have been so easy to us the way I felt as an excuse to eat that second chili dog and blow off my walk. Instead I tracked my dinner and I made a note of how I was feeling. As I strapped on my shoes I decided that I would do an extra mile on my walk. I turned sadness into determination instead of a pity party on the couch with a bag of chips. When I got back home I tracked my walk. I burned enough calories for that second chili dog but I didn’t eat it. Instead I thought about what had happened to make me feel the way I did that day. I made myself accountable for my feelings and what I did to deal with them. The thing about my relationship with food is, I won’t get to stop being accountable when my pants all fit again. I will have to continue my daily process far beyond that so I don’t find myself back here again. It isn’t about weight loss, it is about healing. Healing needs the same maintenance process as weight loss. We said our good byes so we both could make meetings for work. I get back to work after my meeting and found an email from her. She read my blog and said she related to more than a few things I wrote about so far. Then she loaded the same Ap I have on her phone. She said “I think I am going to try your accountability healing plan.” Journeys are always better with friends. I am truly lucky to have so much support.

Getting past the voice in your head

Today was the day when I went to the closet and I put on a pair of pants that I haven’t been able to get into comfortably for six months. They not only fit but they were loose everywhere. A smile crept across my lips and tears rimmed my eyes. I was filled with pride at my success but there was still that nagging voice at the back of my head saying “You should have kept the weight off in the first place.” Oh that voice. We all listen to it because we are our own worst enemy. I let that voice defeat me many times. It was the same voice that told me “another piece of cake will be okay” “you can just sit around all day you deserve it” “you are fat and you are getting old” “no one cares what you look like anymore anyway”. That voice was my own justifying the actions I have taken the past two years. The sad thing is that I have good people in my life that told me the complete opposite of what I told myself and I couldn’t hear them over my own voice. They were the ones I should have listened to, they were the ones who were trying to walk me out of my own head. But sometimes you can’t get out of that space no matter how hard people try to help you. You tether yourself to the bad and let the good float away like a balloon. The good is still there floating but just out of your reach until you break free of yourself. Seven weeks ago I was tethered with a thick chain around the waist. I didn’t even think I could lift my arms to reach for what I wanted. The voice in my head was still loud. With every day and every reminder I make to myself that I do deserve better and I can be better that voice gets quitter and that chain lighter. Today that chain is more like an elastic band. I can touch the end of the string of the balloon, I just can’t pull it all the way towards me yet. And the voice is nearly a whisper. When the voice spoke today I felt I had to answer it. Yes I should have kept the weight off but I didn’t. All I can do now is move forward. And I am moving forward in smaller pants and a better understanding of how to manage that inner voice.