Its been a while since my last confession.

It has been a while since my last confession. As much as I wanted to stay faithful to my journaling life got in the way. Funny how that happens. I also confess that I cheated on my eating goals and still managed to lose 19 pounds since this journey began. I hadn’t really changed what I was eating just how I was eating it and I just started working out last week. So I was curious about how I lost so much in this time. One thing I gave up and didn’t really think about it much was negativity. Wouldn’t be funny to find out that ten pounds of my weight loss was negative energy? But I wouldn’t be surprised. Oh sure laugh about it but think of the way negativity feels, it feels like a hundred pounds on your back, on your heart and your soul. When I feel down, I reach for something that I thought made me happy and that was food. It worked for a while but happiness doesn’t come from the grocery store or a drive through. Week before last I found myself feeling a little down and instead of reaching for a bag of chips I went for a walk. On that walk I thought of all the things that made me happy. Family, friends, the dogs, my crafting, spring, really good bourbon, etc. Then I thought about the things that made me feel bad. And my job topped the list and job related themes were throughout said list. Well then I thought about when the majority of all my eating my feelings began to happen and all the alarms went off in my head. Since I have been here I have gained forty pounds. I have also been a person I don’t really want to be. I complain, I get bitter and I had started to stop caring about what I look like, I started to give up. Sure I was looking for other jobs and no one was calling and now I see why. I didn’t put forth the effort I needed to because I didn’t put forth the effort for myself. That was until the job I interviewed for last week. And that was when I realized that even if I don’t get that job, I set myself on a path that will lead to my success. I am better then I give myself credit for. I deserve better then what I have done for myself the past eighteen months. I admit I sound like one of those crazy self-help tapes but hey I am on the rebound from self-destruction, I’ll do what it takes! While I am still at my current job I am going to continue to do my best every day and take opportunities as that come. I am going to take advantage of tools I have to look for those new job opportunities. I will not let bumps in the road of my new job journey cause me to take a different route. I need to stay focused. My goal is not to wait three weeks until my next confession. BUT I am hoping that a new job will get in my way.

The first step is the hardest

Sorrow tastes like potato chips. Anger tastes like brownies. Happiness tastes like a bacon cheeseburger with French fries and a cold beer. To this point this has been my relationship with food only I didn’t see it until I started to really take a look at myself. I am and have always been an emotional eater. In the past twenty some years my weight has gone up and down like escalators in the mall. I could blame my weight gains on my love of cooking but it isn’t that at all. Many people cook and bake all the time and they put on the weight I did in a year. They have a healthy relationship with food, I do not. A week ago I knew that where I was physically was because of where I was emotionally in my life and it has to change. I tried to convince myself that one year changed my life but the truth is my life to this point changed my life. I have not dealt with things that I should have dealt with a long time ago. And this has had a profound effect on me and my family. Enough is enough. I am currently trying to find a therapist that understands my kind of sarcasm aka defense mechanism. The man I spoke with last week said I was a bit edgy and didn’t think we would get along. Not sure he is in the right profession but anyway. While I search for a therapist I am journaling my progress in hopes that those who read it can offer support or maybe someone in a similar situation will find support. I am starting this journey with three simple goals: 1. Repair myself 2. Repair my relationship with my family 3. Repair my relationship with food The first one may be the hardest to do. I pretend like I am not broken but I am and more than likely missing a few parts. I am as of today missing six pounds since last week. This is a small victory but a victory none the less and one I needed. Every day I will make steps to reach my goals and I know I still have a long journey. But it is a journey that is long overdue.